Josh Anderson

“Joshua Hollaback Andersen passion for writing started because he hated math and his third grade teacher wouldn’t let him keep reading instead of doing math. He is a published author with 3 PhDs, a taste for turtle soup, 4 Medals of Honor, and a habit for lying. His enjoys writing, in his own words, “like an asshole,” and no one begs to differ.”




Selected Works:

 

Like, cut hair tumbling to the floor, rolling off of shoulders,

being brushed away by the barber and tumbling to the floor,

the buzzing sound and light tickling sensation of the electric razor

running against the back of the neck, sending a shiver down the spine.

 

In this the way, the light from the setting sun tumbled to the ground,

Blown away by the indigo clouds of an incoming storm,

The chilled wind sending a shiver up my spine

As I slowed to watch the happenings in a house with

A single fluorescent light.


 

“General Mills Can Go To Hell”

You know who really piss me off? The people who put the milk in the cereal bowl first. That’s not how it works! You’re gonna mess it up! What if you go too crazy with the milk and nearly fill the damn bowl? What if you’re milk-to-cereal ratio is way off, and you have way too much milk, but not nearly enough cereal left in the box to match it? What then? You can’t empty the milk back into the jug! You’ll pour your cereal bits along with the milk, and ruin the whole jug! And then you’re Mom will kick you out, no roommate will ever take you in because people talk about those kinds of things. You’ll be friendless, penniless, homeless, and unloved, all because you’re a freak who can’t figure out cereal procedure. And where will your God be then? Mocking you, that’s where.


 

Hypocrites

All of them

They mocked me for knowing the Pokemon theme song

Because I wanted to be the very best

Like no one ever was.

They called me a dork

Because I could tell them all the reasons

Blastoise was better than Charizard

And he totally is, because that Mega Charizard X crap is total fan serv-

Forget it.

The looked at me funny,

The parents of a nine year old child,

As I grabbed my copy of Pokemon X

And proudly slapped it on to the GameStop counter.

When my friends checked my browser history,

And found it full of information on Pokemon.

Like where to get Mew

And is Tentacruel better than Crobat

And how to breed the perfect Blastoise,

They mocked me

“Just watch porn like everyone else,” they joked.

But now look at them,

Groveling, confused, lost.

“Man, Magikarp sucks!”

“I need more Zubats!”

“Is Snorlax any good?

And when they turn to me,

The dork, the loser, the only werido who can figure out how to work incognito mode

I will glare at them

With vengeance and fury lighting a fire behind my eyes

And say, “If you wanna be the very best,

Like no one ever was…

You gotta Google it.”

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